I wrote this two years ago while at a friends home visiting. I had been wondering what REAL love felt like and was granted this insight and these feelings. I enjoy reading this now and again to get me back on track.. on love.
Here I sit... at a desk that is not mine.. in a home that is not mine.. with many thoughts that are mine, running through my head. I have spent the last week.. looking at a dream.. wanting that dream to be reality.
I have heard the mountain speaking.. of longings far away, yet deep within.
There is within me a yearning for connection, for love shared, given and accepted.. returned.
Perhaps I have listened to too many love songs, had too many dreams of relationship where there is true connection.. true acceptance and ease of loving.
Why does love have to be hard work? It should be the easiest, most natural thing a person can do. There should be an open joy to it.. where just for the sake of loving we give of ourselves.. and receive of one another.
I see in my heart, a place of peace.. where love is always welcome.. no matter the intensity... the passion of it is seen as good, not as a reason to fear.
In this place all is welcome.. and may find rest and a safe harbor. The fear and hurt of yesterdays.. gone by and yet remembered are loosed and in their place is a washing of hope and faith.
As the leaves on the mountain trees dance with the joy of the wind.. and the birds sing of now.. this moment.. I open my heart to be here.. to enjoy just for the sake of the moment.. this instant of time which is forever.
Love is not a thing to be held, taken apart and made sense of. Love is that part of us that makes us who and what we are. Holding it within places limits which rise up with the face of fear and hesitancy. Limits tie our hands and harden our hearts.. letting only enough in to cause yearning.. but the yearning can not be satisfied unless we are willing to love without the fear.
Or perhaps in spite of the fear.. we reach deeper within ourselves and touch that seed of love which is more tender and kind than all the hurts we have experienced.. ..
By reaching into self and touching that seed of love, we then can allow it to grow and bloom, making way for greater acceptance of the love which surrounds us.. tapping on the doors and windows of our walls.. and then perhaps we can open just a crack; one window.. or the door slightly and taste the beauty of that love.. and hold that experience with a gentle, accepting heart..
Knowing where we have been... looking behind keeps us from being able to move forward. We are thrown into a sea of uncertainty.. wanting that which we have so long dreamed of, yet fearful of finding it, lest it be lost and cause pain.
For years love has been chased, beaten, given, received in little pockets... yet never complete accepted and allowed to be free to be all that it entails. I have felt love, measured love, picked it apart and tried to make sense of it. I have held it so tightly that it could not breathe.. from a place of fear I have refused to open completely to it's power.
I have felt the excitement of loving.. that tingle that seems to move in all areas at once.. bringing joy at the smile on your face.. I have loved you... and have enjoyed each moment of it. I don't know what tomorrow brings.. what joys or sadness it holds for me.
I am beyond trying to figure out what this thing we call love is.. or is not. I am not interested so much in the tomorrow of this love, or the yesterday of the sadness.. I stand with arms, heart and soul.. open wide.. to this love.
Let it bring with it all that it will. I, like the sand on this mountain.. will be touched by it's rain and storms.. and gentle breezes.. and will be better for the experience of it.
My life is no longer a seeking, but an acceptance of love and loving, sadness and disappointments.. dreams realized and shattered. I do not seek to understand them.. or the way of the human heart..
I do not seek.. for I have happened upon the realization that all is already here with me... I have only to be open to it.
I love for the simple pleasure of loving. That part of me that is also a part of you.. that can touch without words, or fingers.. it moves with each breath and heart beat. I have no wish to tether it, to limit or understand it.
I do not desire to control it or package it with ribbons. I will love you simply because I do.